Monday, 2 May 2016

The Beginning of the End

Here I am  two weeks before the last year of school ends for me.It has not even officially ended yet but I felt the need to express all of the feelings I have been keeping to myself for the past twelve years. Another chapter of my life is coming to a close and I am confused - do I feel happy or do I feel sad. On one hand I am moving forward to a new and even more exciting adventure but on the other do I actually feel  accomplished with what I have done during my school life. You might think "But you are a straight A student. You have your life pretty much sorted! What more do you want?" Life is not defined by academic achievements, marks have no actual value. All they are is a representation of a temporary knowledge on a subjects one acquired in the past but have since been lost in oblivion. Excellent academic record and successful career do not guarantee a happy and fulfilling future. And it seems like I have spent so much time trying and sometimes failing to be perfect that I have forgotten to live.

I do not want to sound melodramatic or anything but it seems to me that the past twelve years of my life have been a blur.. a complete blur of nothingness. This entire time I have been surrounded by people, all kinds of people and still I feel as if I am in a little bubble of my own that no one has yet been able to pop open. Some have come close to doing it but there is always something that prevents it from happening. People have come and gone but no one has stayed for long enough to actually get to know the real me, or perhaps I am the one who doesn't allow them to? This makes me think to myself "Am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me that pushes people away? Why is everyone changing and evolving and I am stuck in this tiny universe of my own where nothing ever alters  including me?" Perhaps I get so attached to people that I do not accept the fact that as time flies people change  so I am the one who backs away. I try and keep the person as close to me as possible by picking up their habits and getting involved in their interests but then I come to the realization that this in not me and not who I want to be so I step away. In the end I am the one  left behind...

These past four years have followed the exact same routine of me getting up in the morning, going to school and coming back home in the afternoon and then nothing...I felt like I was put in a box with a bunch of people, neither of which spoke the language I spoke. As time went by I formed some friendships but they were mainly built on similar interests and nothing else which  in majority of the cases doesn't work out long term. When these two last weeks go by I am never going to see these people ever again, or we are going to pass each other in the supermarket pretending to look at something in order to avoid an awkward conversation. And this is partly my fault. I am like the black swan in a lake of white swans that no one wants to talk to but who doesn't allow them to come close either. If someone asks me what I had learned at school for all those years this is my answer: " School has taught me to learn from my mistakes and never do them again. I made the mistake of distancing myself from the others and concentrating way too much on things that I thought  were important but in reality I lost so much time for things that were actually important."
So for now on I hope my feathers will get lighter and lighter every single day so that in the end I find my place amongst all the magnificent white swans :)

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